everythings changing.


i want to start drawing all the cool fabric squares on this quilt i have, that was made for me when i was 10 years old. im excited about it, maybe ill make it into a book or something.

still moving really slowly, and breathing a lot. need to start doing yoga regularly again, still slightly congested but i think i might try to fast and stop drinking coffee for 4 days or something and then get back into my exercise groove.

hard road ahead, but its all part of me and i am going to learn so much about myself. i am trying to move out of comfortable and familar but still try to create something deep at the same time. a daily practice. walking everywhere i go. eating well.

i am not moving back to portland afterall. i think i maybe ruined my chance to go back, at least for now, the water still looks muddy. im unsure what it would be like if i went back really. i was always so mute when i was there, could tell people thought that it was weird and i was kinda unaware and just trying in the only way i knew at the time i guess. i wanted a lot and i didnt know how to get it. i really dont know how to explain it. its like i never caught up to myself there, like i was young but the climate and atmosphere was old. maybe i wasn't really brave enough, i remember feeling really left out a lot or not being able to relate to people and feeling lonely and i didnt know how to work with it. i guess i was selfish but also really didnt know how to get what i wanted. i dont know, donna and katie and i were talking about relationships today. the push pull thing and going after people who are pretty unavailable, i guess theres some of that there. it seems like that exists everywhere and ive sorta started to learn that you have to keep yourself hidden in a certain way. ive always been kinda fractal eyes and approaching angles easily. everything feels like one, all the games have two sides and when you dont expect something of someone else its not totally true, you expect them to not expect anything. Ive never been very practical about these things, the only way ive learned to be a part of my environment is to go through all the little conflicts between what i want and another person wants and kinda trying to think about it more without totally making it into a big deal and feeling emotionally warm and fixed. sometimes i wonder if ive just been use to everything being a big deal so i just naturally fall into that. its like i am use to everything being chaotic and my mental sphere was just sorta shaped in that inconsistency of my childhood. i put a little thought out in multiple directions and i have all of these abstract displays i easily arouse when theres some emotion in the moment but thats it. i need that simple thick and thin, day by day approach, moon cycles

so right now i am roughly thinking about the future but more thinking about what i need to get to that place, which is a job and money saved up. then ill just maybe move to the bay and go to sf commmunity college, live in oakland. it sounds scary to think about it. but i just turned 26, ive always wanted to live down there, and i need to keep exploring, i feel like i need to step out of what i am use to. even if i have only a few friends there, i want to feel like i can actually make new friends, just that mental state of putting myself out there is just so important to my psyche right now. but its gonna be a while and its gonna be really fucking hard.

Tableau, LOMO LC-A+. Expired Fuji Superial Reala 100 film.

This roll of film sat in my freezer for several years before being shot in my LOMO LC-A+ last year, then it sat in the bottom of my 6 Million Dollar bag for a few more months after that. As a result, I have NO CLUE as to where I shot this. Anyone recognize the place?

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Originally posted on poindexter, who?

I am very, very, very, very, very, very, very resentful towards my mother. Her stupid decisions have ruined my life. I don't care if she was young, in love, whatever. She is a dumb bitch and she shouldn't have fucking had me to begin with.

Yes I return with an emo post because that's what the fuck livejournal is for.

Fuck you.

Signpost. Mystery toy camera, expired fuji superia reala 100 film.

Recently, I’ve been shot most of my street candids portrait-style. I don’t know where this is coming from, maybe I should buy a square-frame medium format camera to cure myself of this? Or am I just looking for an excuse to buy a Holga, Diana or a Lubitel?

Does anyone have a favorite, obscure medium format toy camera I don’t know about? Let me know.

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• Warehouse, SOMA
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Originally posted on poindexter, who?

reading TOO MUCH ? started tortilla flat. kinda backed down quarter way through. need some resting pace. tempted by sweets and ice creams and doughy stuff. sneezing and coughing again, nose bleed this morning, alergies! alergies ALERGIES!

want to play a giant organ so bad. i keep having fantasies about playing music all the time.
moving back to portland april 1st, about? so much to do before then.

full belly.

wqhat elquse?

shirt collars. jeans. cake!

that grumpy boy can keep the feather necklace, im drinking a lot of water and walking slowly

sometimes i feelreally ugly, like im too tall and my shoulders are too wide and my nose and cheeks look kinda bloated. ill look in the mirror and feel like i missed my chance to enjoy my body by being too self conscious when i was young, but its all a lie and partial little roving movement. i let it pass. i lurched outa bed this morning and headed out somewhere...just walking, heeel to toe , going for it, sneezing and looking around like i was lost out in left field because of all the congestion and pressure in my head. chico is so empty right now because its spring break, its quiet EVERYWHERE. its amazing. this is what summer will be like here and i wish i was staying, but at the same time ill be too too hot and i am a little afraid of the sun on my skin, i dont know. i realized being back here how much i like the winter and to be able to wrap myself up and walk around, or stay inside all day because its raining and i can just read and chill. defining yourself in a really physical sense, with coats and scarfs. i am so into chilling lately. its all i do nowadays. i went out to visit the horses on sunday, i felt like i was high on mushrooms or something. its so easy to connect to a horse i dont know what it is. you breath into its nose and it breaths on you, to exchange smells, its a greeting. but their breath is so intense and warm and their eyes are so big and your standing there sharing a greeting and its the most perfect thing. i brushed this one brown tall horse for an hour! in the springtime they are all shedding and you have to use a bunch of different brushes, one to loosen the hair, you move it in circles, and another to get it off, and later a finishing brush. i washed his face, he was so patient and adorable, and i fed him carrots as treats, then we walked a little while and his hoofs make the coolest sound and rhythm and i was just flattering him and admiring him, and kinda humming a long to the sound, he felt so proud and the other horses were watching us walk around with his new clean mane and fur! aww. then it was sunset and the sky turned orange and pink and the prettiest bird sounds kinda floored me and i was so blissed out and my mind was so empty and i felt so warm.

( +2 )

fuck! watched the t.a.m.i. show last night!!!!

the supremes were TOO MUCH, i almost cried, diana your mouth makes me shake!

marvin's pride and joy was unforgettable. i love that phrase, "pride and joy."




played these gamalan chimes yesterday, totally incredible. need to get a bass. and some of those chimes and hide out in olympia washington in the woods and start a band.

man

im so into this thing mrdoob.com/projects/harmony/

When it's time, the hotels of Ardmore no longer interesting
in their facades, the small bags of peanuts you used to buy
suddenly twice as big, as if someone far away, looking
out a window at a barge, had thought your appetite
was asking to be doubled, and the little girl you showed
how to affix playing cards to her spokes has gone off
to college, that school where anthrax arrived in a letter
and killed the chemistry professor whose face on TV
looked so small, like he'd been the head of a doll,
when you cried, fully and stupidly alone in your room,
literally into your hands, wiping the snot on your cat,
knowing this would set her about licking for hours, this spite
after emotion, you recognized it first where you were seventeen,
when you bit Sharon, not hard enough to break skin
but trust certainly was lost, and why, because she said
"that must have been hard" about military school, no longer
interesting because you've cataloged their moods, the different
shadows of the different cornices, the wrought iron gate
so recently improved no longer sings when it opens, and you
should go, a whole new city, boxes of your life
staying closed, most of them, in stacks of who were you
after all, really, when it comes down to it, this collection
of how you said "shows to go you" to the magazine guy, of wearing
the apricot slippers, so have no set phrases, give your feet
a choice, I know, it's tiring, to be new, to even try, who am I
to judge, look at me, my head shaped just like yesterday,
and this appointment with language I keep, as if eventually
a handle will appear, and the sound of me saying "I'll turn it"
will be me turning it, to what, some sense of an other side,
which if you touch it first in your new home, in the away,
call me, the description, even with its holes, the torn edges
where to say a thing is to rip it, will be everything to me,
the beautiful frays.

Bob Hicok, Moving Day

watched donnie darko yesterday, really forgot how good it is, i was 17 when i watched it and was obsessed but somehow i grew up and thought it wasnt cool anymore, but it is, in such a great nostalgic way. now i have mad world by tears for fears stuck in my head

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dBJePxdPX3Y




rereading murakami's after dark, forgot i read this and its sorta vaguely familar but still not. i want to live in a murakami world

http://mrdoob.com/projects/harmony/